Florida: The Homeland of People Hotter Than You.

"Oh you want me to go to the beach with you? I can't I am sorry. I have plans today"

*stays in apartment and eats a frozen pizza*

So as I am sure anyone knows, people in Florida are hot AF. Everyone, especially the girls. Back in Ohio you can have a little pudge to you and still be pretty decently looking compared to your surroundings, but down here forget about it. Like in Ohio I was doing pretty okay for myself but down here WHOA it is a fucking battle of the hotties that I am not even throwing my punches in for. At least I have my personality, am I right or am i right?! The girls down here are way fashionable, skinny, flawless skin and all have great hair.

Seriously... how do they get their hair to look like that? I tried curling my hair the way girls do down here and I walked into my office and someone said "Oh i see you decided to leave your hair wet today". -Uhm... on the contrary I spent a good 45 minutes trying to figure out how to use my hair straightner as a curling iron and then get it to stay but sure lets just go with the fact it is fucking wet.-

Anyways, one of the big thing down here is how thin everyone is, which everyone like to use the term "fit" but no hun you are just a thin girl. I don't see any calf muscles or six pack.
You.
Are.
A.
SkinnyBitch.
AND IT IS OKAY! In fact I can't help but be insanely envious of all the girls and the pride they have on making sure they stay skinny. And they talk about it because they know they are skinny! Like me and my friends would always make fun of ourselves being like "ohhh we are so fat" but on teh contrary I literally have girls tell me "gosh I am so skinny! I love it!" I think that's a little socially retarded to say out loud but whatever, who am I to judge? Like I think I can honestly say that I value my sunday night chinese over a thigh gap any day. Food and Netlix are not hobbies down here to the ladies of Florida like they were to me and all of my friends in Ohio ~*~PeEjRaTz ~*~.

But I really do wish that I cared as much as they do! And unfortunately I have become self conscious. Not too long ago I had a coworker invite me to go to the beach with her and her friends. And these girls are just straight up bombshells; over my dead body was I going to get in a bathing suite and stand next to them. So obviously I lied and said I couldn't go. I told my friend I had plans already and was busy all day... but I didn't have plans so I just went to Publix and got a frozen pizza and watched Bridezillas on Netflix. Like no way am I going to be THAT girl. I may not have even been THAT girl. However I wasn't risking it.

My Florida friends and me take a trip to the beach!

Now I am not calling myself fat. I am joking if I ever say I am. However I am not the stick skinny that is constantly roaming around here. I mean I have been gifted/cursed with a huge butt that has been following me around since the 3rd grade. My body will always be curvy, it wasn't meant to be teeny tiny. But it doesnt need to be flabby and it isn't. All I care about is making sure I am never fat. I want to always be just skinny enough that if someone who hates me goes "Dude and Kelly is fat" that whoever they are ranting to will say/think "well... not really"

Thats my standard for myself, I never want to be fat enough that someone can use it to talk shit about me. As long as I am not that, I am happy.

To maintain a decent body I recently started running every single day. I suck at it, but I try. I run 3 miles straight every day after work. I also (try to) go to yoga on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Finally, I also have a nutribullet every morning for breakfast. This helps me maintain a good enough body to keep me confident.

However, regardless of my confidence in myself I cannot help but compare myself to those around me. I hope I never become one of these very thin self conscious girls. This whole post was inspired by a thin girl I saw at the gym a few days ago. I was doing my 6.5 miles per hour run on the treadmill when I noticed this very very very teeny tiny girl next to me running like a maniac. My first thought was "ughhhhh I WANNA BE THAT TINY I WOULD BE SO ADORABLE!!! If I was that small I would make guys pick me up all the time and repost the insanely stupid articles about stuff short girls are sick of hearing because being short and adorable is probably SOOOOOO hard right?"
My second thought was "wow... shes going really hard and really fast.... shit should I speed up my treadmill? Is she judging how slow I am going? She better not be judging me... I bet she is... She probably thinks I am a pussy" **presses speed button up to 7 MPH then immediately regrets that decision and brings it back down to 6.5**.
My third thought was "wow she looks uncomfortable...". Next thing I know after about 7 minutes of her running she flys back on the treadmill, jumps off, and curls onto the ground panting. Face is beet red and it is obvious she is doing everything she can to catch her breath. Like... what am I suppose to do? Do I ask if she is okay? I would be embarrassed if someone asked me that. So I just pretended not to notice. Now, I am no physical trainer, however it is obvious that she has completely overworked herself. Oh well lesson learned right? NO! The munchkin crawls back on and keeps pushing herself to keep going! She doesn't need to be working herself that hard that she is literally flying off the treadmill.

This is the kind of effort that girls down here put into making sure they stay VERY thin. They overwork their bodies to unhealthy points with no nutrition. I have had girls at work tell me that they distract themselves during lunch with other activities so they don't eat lunch, and then they take an adderall before they leave work so they won't be hungry when they get home and then they don't have to eat dinner. And then on top of all that they work out like crazy! I mean that has to be unhealthy right? I cannot become one of those people, except who knows maybe I will fall into that trap.

To wrap it up, I am not preaching "everyone's body is beautiful" because I don't believe that. I believe in being healthy, even If I don't follow it myself. I am fully guilty of day drinking beers all day and then inhaling three cheesy gordita crunches, but that is my choice to treat myself while I am young once in awhile because I work out and eat moderately well 9 times out of 10. Everyone has different body types and thats okay, however there is no excuse to be obese. Like I will always have a huge butt, there is nothing that is going to fix that. But there is no excuse to have a fat stomach or cellulite all over my thighs, and I make sure I work on avoiding that. There is a healthy middle between being a big fatty and being a 80 pound girl who hasn't eaten in days and is flying off the back of a treadmill in a desperate hope to be skinny because they are so self conscious. But overall I understand this stress to be insanely skinny. I feel the pressure every single day when I walk outside, because everyone IS so good looking and fit. It is hard not to get wrapped up with wanting to be like that since it is what is considered "hot". I am not blaming society or the media for this, I just think it is interesting to notice. I want to be as hot as these girls, so I do what I can within reason to be like that. And every other girl has the same mindset, they just want to be considered attractive so they do what they can, just some take it to a more drastic point than others.

And this is coming from the girl who ate a frozen pizza so she didn't have to go to the beach because I couldn't stand the thought of comparing myself to the other girls down there. As I eat better and work out more and gain confidence overall being down here I am not as embarrassed... but what I am getting at is everyone in Florida is really beautiful haha.

And I am not the only one who thinks this, Amy Schumer agrees! Watch this clip, I couldn't agree with it more... "I went to Miami and I am never going back. Everyone was GORGEOUS... In New York I was like a 6 with all the padding but in Miami I was like a negative 3" PREACH AMY I FEEL YOU!
http://www.cc.com/video-clips/xrv97n/comedy-central-presents-the-homeland

Sex, Love, and Kickball

I joined an adult kickball league a few months ago. I have been meaning to write about it but I never knew what to say. However, now that my first season is winding down, I have been reflecting back on what a killer decision I made.

Now as any social group I tend to join, my first encounter was kind of awkward. It was the kind of awkward where the teams had their first meet up at a bar you sit in the bathroom texting your one contact to meet you at a certain point in the bar so you're not wandering around alone like a god damn nerd trying to look for people you don't know what they look like; but your contact doesnt respond so eventually you gather up the courage to venture out to the yuppie filled bar and walk up to a group and go "HEY GUYS! Are you on the dodgeball league?! I just joined and don't know anyone" and they respond with "uhmmm do you mean the kickball league?.." so obviously I make a 180 and retreated back to the bathroom stall which i have just emerged from until my contact mets me. Then I danced with a girl on another team and a bunch of people started thinking I was a lesbian and idk it was a weird time.

Anyways. So my friend from work Larry was the one who told me about this league in the first place. He doesn't usually show up because he says "kickball is more fun when you're single" which duh just like most social drinking clubs are. I told him he should come anyways however he said he would rather hang out with his girlfriend than go out because he loves her and loves spending time with her... which like *in robot voice* does-not-compute to me. People actually like hanging out with their girlfriend? That is so silly... psh so silly... soooooo sooooooooo silly. Pshh... psh. 

Anywho... Larry told me when I joined "whatever you do, do not become a kickball hoe". I pulled it off all cool like "whoa what do you mean? You think I would be a hoe?" and he goes "just dont do it. watch out for it"

Okay so I understand what he means. Because our FIRST GAME, everyone can already distinguish what a kickball hoe and who is not. At our first game there was a fucking girls in bunny ears on and their god damn tatas out for the world to see. I thought to myself "ahh... so this league IS perfect for single people!"

It is hard not to get lost in the simplicity of the whole league. We are playing a game that most people haven't been familiar with since grade school, drink while playing, and then go to the bar where we all look like shit after playing! No pressure of dressing to impress or being someone you are not. No wonder so many people find someone to hook up with, after playing a kickball game in this humid weather you can pretty much only look like a 6 or 7 a best at the bar, so we all kind of have a chance with anyone. You hang out with your team, play drinking games and are amongst a bunch of other young adults who literally just want to have fun on that thursday night and dread that Friday morning office hangover. The best part is half my team works at my company so we can give each other the little point and nod at the office the next day with eyes that say "heyyyyyy I know why you need that gatorade". I was in love; and I love my team. This is all I had ever wanted

I feel like most people feel like this about their team, but I felt like my team could be the basis of a movie. We were an eclectic group of individuals with no drama and all just had the drive to drink and have fun. Even the few interrelationships that happened throughout the season between teammates created literally no friction. The guys on our team were fun and funny and the girls were finally cool girls I could hang out with. One stands in the field and dances the whole game, another one brings her cup out to the field when she plays second base and keeps a stern eye on it making sure it doesn't tip over; these are my ladies. And the best part about the team was... we kept winning! Sometimes it didn't even feel like we tried, we just kept winning game after game and going out and having a good time doing it. Some teams you would see a coach standing on the side screaming at everyone and people getting really pissed when someone messed up But not us, I mean not all of us even had cleats (that was me). On our team we just kind of played and the most we ever got yelled at was when we were too drunk on the field and our coach threatened to make us stop drinking, but he was drunk too I'm pretty sure so stuff it Ruskin, you would never do that to us. It is funny to think back to the first time I hung out with them and how I was chugging beers to make myself less nervous and more social and now we are all good friends who dance and hulahoop on the dance floor and buy shots for each other from teh bartender named Mickey. Next week we have playoffs, which made me sad because that means the league was ending... however not really because it starts back up mid October! Huzzah!!!

It was funny because I was reading an article on Cosmo that was called 12 Tips For Surviving the Transition From College To Real Person and tip #4 was literally
4. Do new things. Like, join a cornhole team. Or a kickball team, which is a thing people do now to meet each other and feel a little fratty while they're at it.
This made me very happy. Very good decision I made and I encourage others to do it. Perfect for the young professional and also great if you are single because everyone is hot and friendly. I cannot wait until next season.


Also I know half my team reads my blog so HI GUYS! #TeamStrangerDanger see you Thursday!

100 Days of Happiness Challenge

On Friday night I went out in Miami. I went to a wild club and spent $100s of dollars on cover charges and approximately 3 drinks, talked to a stripper in the club bathroom line, stayed out until 5 AM and by the time I got home the sun was way out. It was what I pictured this whole time what a night in Miami would be like and it was all I ever wanted since I moved here.

However, that was not what necessarily made me happy. I thought it would be but the pure content of the night didn't make me happy. But then again not a lot of the situations I have gotten myself into down here have made me as happy as I was when I was skipping around Court Street between the Srat Kastle, Blue House, Dove Cage and the Crystal day drinking with my band of best friends.

I spent all this past Saturday curled up recovering while watching the first season of  Californication and empathizing with Hank Moody on how sad our life is and how great it use to be and how nobody understands us anymore. By 7 PM I had done enough wallowing and went over to eat cheese and crackers with my friend Jack and his wife Stephany.

I love going over to hang out with Jack and the wifey. All we do is stay up all night eating food and have deep discussions on family matters, social standards, love and basically life in general. I always leave feeling either overly wrapped up in a social issue or with a new take on life. However, whenever I go over there on a weekend night Jack always makes comments about how I must be having "the worst night ever" because I am spending my weekend night with an old married couple eating food. I never understood how to combat these comments. Those nights of good company and great conversation are times I feel very happy. Jack and Stephany have two kids, they have a family, and whenever I need them, they invite me in and make me comfortable and allow me to be apart of their little family. I don't understand how that can be categorized as the "worst night ever".

Last night we talked about happiness. I was saying how stressed I feel all the time because I want to be happy but I don't feel I have the tools to make me happy yet. In my mind...

• I won't be happy until I have close friends
• I can't do anything to make friends until I have money
• I won't have more money unless I work all the time
• If I work all the time I won't have time to be open to making friends
• One day... I will have money and friends. And that day I will be happy.

Jack gave me some of the best advice I have gotten yet which is...

"If you want to be happy just decide you are happy."

Easier said than done obviously. However happiness is just a mental state. If I spend every day looking forward to another day, how can I expect to be happy that particular day. 

For example... I spent my last few weeks at Ohio University looking forward to my adventure down to Florida. While I loved my friends, my bartending job, and home so much I expected to be a happier person down in Florida because I wouldn't be living my spiraling out of control college life anymore and would be on the path to a new and more wholesome life. 

Once I moved down here... I was lonely as hell. So I spent every single day waiting for the day my friend Jamie was coming down to visit me. I was sad every day until that day came because I knew when she was there I would be happy, but every day until then I did not believe I had the potential to be happy.

The weekend with Jamie came and went in a flash... So since then I have spent every single day since then waiting for October 9th, which is the day I fly out for Ohio University's Homecoming. That weekend will be the next time I will be happy.

But that is a stupid fucking way of thinking. Spending every day counting down to a better day? Thats a great way to wake up one morning and go "shit I have spent a lot of time being sad"

So I came across this social media challenge called the 100 Days of Happiness Challenge. Basically every day for 100 days you post on social media a moment that made you happy to create a collaboration of happy moments. It's suppose to help guide people into recognizing being happy. The concept is kind of messed up if you think about it... like basically everyone has to post online to social media moments that make them happy just to remind themselves and others to be happy... nobody can just have that state of mind. But look who's talking... I am literally writing a blog post about how to be happy. And honestly, I will go with it. The concept is cute and guiding and I will give it a try. So that way I can focus less on all the trillions of things that make me sad and start just recognizing a happy moment each day. And I decided if I can't think of something that made me happy that day, then I guess I need to create a moment that will make me happy. 

Challenge accepted. However I cannot justify the idea of whoring out my happy moments on social media every single day in order to get attention and "likes" so today I went and bought a 100 page journal and every day I am going to write about one of those happy moments and keep track of them.

Day 1: I went to American Apparel and bought the jean shorts I try on bi-monthly and go "ughhhh if only I had more money". Fuck that, fuck you 60 dollars, and hello high waisted washed out denim shorts and my first moment of appreciated happiness.